Quite fun: The diary I kept when I first went down with CFS features in the June issue of iBelieve magazine

Am very excited! I didn't see that I was given billing along the top of the front cover.

The photo was taken on the jetty at my parent's house last summer.

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Is emigration a viable treatment for Chronic Fatigue?

FEBRUARY ~ Out of the mire and clay

1^st February ~

No. No. No! Mum is making me give a talk to the W.I. (the Brimpsford Women’s Institute) with an otter. Tonight. She’s double-booked and already dressed in a safari suit, hurrying off to appear as an amateur herpetologist in a film about iguanas. She knows nothing about reptiles, but when I challenged her earlier she looked at me as if I was imbecilic and said she was acting the part. Well, she’s a very stressed part. ‘Don’t tell me I’m stressed.’

Now I’m stressed. Distressed. I’ve bought a ticket to Johannesburg and leave in ten days’ time. 'The Lord’s plans are irrevocable!' But I’ve decided a certain amount of stress is probably a good thing. It stops one turning into an iguana.

2^nd February ~ The ladies of the Women’s Institute were adorable and laughed at all the right places in my talk entitled ‘Having to live with Otters’. Luckily the Chairwoman was a Swallows and Amazons fan, thrilled to give me a fee of £30. I need the money.

I’m going to have to streamline my life; make it simpler. Epicurus said, ‘Contentment consists not in great wealth, but in few wants.’ I’ve decided to cut my outgoings right down to the minimum and separate myself from my possessions. This has got to be healthy. I want to do more with less. I need to fit myself into a suitcase anyway. Pippa is going to rent my flat with everything in it and look after the repairs, maintenance and insurance. A very sweet trainee production assistant called Hope is moving in to keep her company. She comes from Nigeria.

It looks as if I won’t need a new car after all. Perry wants to borrow my tramp mobile, as Tamzin insists on calling it, and will keep it on the road until I come back. To Tamzin, I’ve bequeathed my dead sheep. This is her name for my sheepskin under-blanket, which she has been longing to try out. I’ll keep clothes and things in my room at my parents’ house for future use. My main expense now is decent health insurance.

3^rd February ~ ‘Are you the one who makes the hawk soar and spread its wings to the south?’ Robin found this in the book of Job. It’s taken completely out of context.... or is it? He said that he’s not at all happy that I’ve decided to go to South Africa but cheered up when I suggested he should come on a horse safari. He loves travelling, being detached from responsibilities.

I found a Canadian film crew in our house. Dad said he was sweating with embarrassment as they had spent the morning filming Mum in the kitchen with the otters leaping around in the sink (together with the washing up), making their own way into the ’fridge (which is always chaotic) and breaking eggs onto the floor (which is filthy). By the time I arrived they were filming Mum, bum in the air, trying to extract Jims from underneath a chest of drawers. I took a cup of tea to the continuity girl. ‘Are you off to film any other interesting animals?’

‘Animals? Aw no. This is a series about great British eccentrics.’ I don’t think my parents are aware of this.

The Producer asked me if I could possibly keep the cockerels quiet for a while. I’ve regressed to being a film runner. One thing I gained a great deal of experience in at the BBC was asking people to stop making a noise: I could stop pneumatic drills drilling, chain-saws sawing, Rastas from playing basket ball – once I even stopped the traffic going down Bayswater Road, but could I do anything about the cockerels? I found the only thing that worked was letting them out to scratch around in the field. Disaster. I went to shut them up later, when it was beginning to get dark, and found Terry running around looking flustered. There were feathers everywhere. Albert had disappeared. Mum was very upset. She was furious with me and spent hours wandering up and down to see if he was hiding anywhere, but I’ve got a feeling we won’t find the body and am wracked with guilt.

4^th February ~ Big packing-up session in London. Good-bye sofa, good-bye desk, good-bye television. Good-bye Television. I feel right about all this. Have inner peace. What really matters is what happens within us, not to us.

5^th February ~ I’ve a funny feeling I know who ate Albert. I found an awful lot of feathers in the haystack where Jake has a hidey-hole.

Mum has handed in her resignation as a J.P. after thirteen years’ service. It has been very hard for her to let go but I’m glad. She has enough to cope with in life without the addition of draining voluntary work. An invitation has arrived inviting her to attend the International Otter Convention in India, which is exciting, and she’s looking forward to it already. She’s passionate about conservation, and drawing on her skills as an actress, is brilliant at conveying the message to others, especially children. We feel she should concentrate on this and let others deal with delinquent youths. The delinquent pet – Jake, has been granted parole.

6^th February ~ Alastair is off to the South Pole to film penguins in a thermal zoot-suit. James isn’t envious at all. He gets seasick. He says he’d rather come with me, but isn’t that thrilled about the idea of watching rhinoceros from horseback. I am. Alastair thinks that I would feel isolated living way out in the bush and could get very lonely, but it can’t be lonelier than being ill. I can cope with that.

Tamzin said that Jonnie hasn’t noticed the dead sheep yet despite the fact that it makes a huge lump under the bottom sheet on her side of the bed. She gave me some riding boots, which are too small for her, in part exchange. Dad has given me a pair of binoculars and Mum has found me some old insect repellent. Granny keeps ringing to say Good-bye. I went to see Daisy. Mary-Dieu has never once thanked me for looking after her baby, but it doesn’t matter. She isn’t cross any more. In fact she was very funny and said she’d take the nightshift when I have kids. I hadn’t thought of that. I must drive her crazy, but she loves me. Loving despite of is more precious than loving because of.

Mum and Dad went out to dinner and arrived back with the prettiest little hen you have ever seen. She is to be a girlfriend for Terry. I hope he’ll be nice to her.

7^th February ~ ‘What has been the purpose of this time Lord? This season of sickness in my life?’

Will I only be able to see the answer clearly from a distance?

I’d been going so fast. My days had just been filled with lists of things to get done. I’d fallen into the trap of putting the merely urgent before the important. It’s so easy to let our perspective become quite limited. We think our bodies so significant, and they are because we need to be healthy to operate effectively, but how much more vital is our spirit? We have eternity ahead of us. In our society we spend years educating our intellect and training our brains, and yet most parents are shy, scared of developing their children’s spiritual understanding. They see it as ‘Religious Education’, which is either unimportant or something that must be tackled by teachers at school.

An Texan girl once told me that the word Bible stands for Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth. B.I.B.L.E. We have the Maker’s Manual, but like most instruction books few people ever read it. Until things go wrong. Then it’s, ‘Help, I can’t understand this. Nothing’s working properly. Where did you put the instruction manual?’ Somehow we never find the time to read it. Well, I’ve had time.

I’ve learnt that, if Earth is our training ground, then we must expect to have to undergo trials here so that our spiritual muscle and resistance can be built up. If our body is in bad shape a virus will knock us sideways; if our spirit is in bad shape disasters will hammer us. Life is going to be full of tribulation. We’re always going to need the strength and confidence, the wisdom and understanding that lie the other side of suffering.

8^th February ~

‘Yes, but I would really appreciate more of an explanation.’

I was given it. Jesus said, ‘Simon, Simon, (Sophie, Sophie) behold, Satan demanded to have you, that he might sift you like wheat, but I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail; and when you have turned again, strengthen your brethren.’ Well that’s what it’s for, so we can ‘strengthen and build up others.’ That is my commission. ‘To comfort others with the comfort I’ve been given.'

How does the Prayer of St Francis go? That we should seek not so much to be understood as to understand. Make me a channel of your peace.

9^th February ~ I’ve packed my bags and I’m ready to go. I’m taking the suede chaps I had made in Farnham, a sketchbook and a hammock. Granny rang to say, ‘Smell Africa for me.’

10^th February ~ Fly to South Africa.

I went to see how the chickens were getting on just before I left. I opened up the bedroom side of the hutch and found two perfect white eggs. It was so exciting to find them, like a symbol of hope.

Tamzin made me a special Going Away lunch and drove me to the airport. I didn’t feel at all strong; very shaky in fact, with a head full of cottonwool and rags, but I staggered onto the plane and let everything roll over me. I flew high on wings like an eagle; a steppe buzzard migrating south.

...how can you say the Lord does not see your troubles?

19^th January ~ I’ve learnt that the active bit about trusting God is to seek his will and pray before you start making decisions, rather than afterwards; otherwise you just end up wasting a lot of time. I need to ask that his will should supersede my own right now. And always.

20^th January ~

‘What if you can’t come to any sort of decision?’

‘When you’re doubtful about your course, submit your judgement absolutely to the Spirit of God and ask him to shut against you every door but the right one.’ Who said that?

21^st January ~

‘And if things don’t work out?’

‘If life is not going to plan, look to the Lord for a creative alternative, another strategy, something different. Think again ~ achieve your dream.’ Hank Overeem.

It has been snowing again, but deeply and the whole world looks different. It sounds different too. Solomon the cart horse is wearing his smart green rug and, with his shaggy legs, he looks as if he’s wearing flared trousers underneath. A grit lorry with five men dressed in bright orange boiler-suits came down the valley and Mum got a wolf-whistle. She’s frightfully pleased.

I love walking in the snow but I think I should stay inside. Mind you, if I don’t get out of the house now I never will. ‘Lord, who can I go and stay with?’ It’s a funny time of year to go visiting.

22^nd January ~

‘What if I still don’t have a plan?’ I still don’t know what God wants of me, and where he wants me. I could go to South Africa, the option is open, but what would I do there? I need to be certain it’s the right step. I’ve worked out one thing. When you need direction or confirmation to prayer:

A light shines.

A way opens.

A word is given.

A picture emerges.

An assurance comes.

An inner peace settles.

Sometimes we just have to take one step at a time. It can be difficult when the mist comes down and you can only see one step ahead of you.

23^rd January ~ Cock-a-doodle-doo! My muddled dreams were split in two. My parents have acquired, not one but two cockerels and they’re living in the parrots’ cage right below my window. (The parrots are back in the dining room.) These roosters cry ~ or whatever you call the noise ~ crow, every thirty-three seconds. Cock-a-do-dol-doo! I’ve timed them. It’s driving me demented.

‘But darling, it’s a lovely country noise.’

‘Why’ve you bought them?’

‘We didn’t buy them. We were given them by a sweet man called Trevor who found them wandering around in a wood. He had them at his house but the neighbours complained.’ Cock-a-doodle-doo! One bird is called Albert, and the other Terry, after the local builder.

Gordon comes from South Africa. I keep thinking of the verse he gave me and looked it up:

‘...how can you say the Lord does not see your troubles? How can you say God refuses to hear your case? Have you never heard or understood?’ Cock-a-do-dol-doo! ‘Don’t you know that the Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth? He never grows faint or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to those who are tired and worn out; he offers strength to the weak. Even youths will become exhausted, and young men will give up. But those who wait on the Lord will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.’ Isaiah 40 v 27-31 Yes, please.

I decided to ring him in London. ‘What do you reckon, Gordon? I’d love to go to South Africa.’

‘What’s that odd noise?’ he asked.

‘Oh, it’s a rooster.’

‘I’m sure,’ he said, ‘that God wants you to extend your experience and see the world.’

‘I do have the option of staying here and illustrating books.’

‘Yes, but it might be a distraction or an obstacle. If God clearly wants you to go somewhere, attractive propositions that pander to our egos tend to pop up, and later come to nothing.’ Cock-a-do-dol-doo! ‘Have you got a lot of hens?’

‘No just two; two males.’ I asked him if he ever felt unclear about the future despite asking God what to do. ‘Do you ever feel you’re walking in a fog?’

‘All the time,’ he laughed. ‘Sometimes it’s a matter of asking for strength as well as direction.’

‘My problem is I don’t know whether I’ll have the energy to go in any direction at all.’

‘You will. Don’t do it in your own strength. When I worked in the Cape I went climbing on the coastal cliffs once by myself and fell. There was no one around. As I fell through space I resigned my life into God's hands, knowing it was up to him whether I should live or die. I woke after dark on the rocks below with a sense of peace, like after a deep and comfortable sleep. I realised that God had chosen to give me life ~ and therefore had a purpose for me. To avoid hypothermia, I dragged myself to a cave where I spent the night and then staggered slowly back the next morning and got help. My only wounds were cuts on legs and face and hip, which were stitched up. I lost a bit of blood. My teeth required root treatment but this actually straightened them out. I spent four days in the local hospital and then had a beach holiday. I certainly learnt to draw on the Lord’s strength. It was quite a useful lesson.’